out of the blue...

Out of the blue, the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals sent me a certificate in recognition of my extraordinary contribution to the global development of collaboration. I truly loved that it said on the certificate that I was changing the world. What a blast! It is always nice to be acknowledged. It is a great honour to be at the forefront of the development of collaboration.
If we change the way we communicate and in particular the way we manage conflict, we have the potential to change the way we live. Indeed, many think that it is the next step on the evolutionary ladder. Sadly, it is not as easy as it sounds but the will to change is the first step. Apparently, we have 8 seconds from the moment something is said or happens to cause us upset to consider our reaction before flooding occurs. Flooding is when you are too overcome with emotion to think – you are quite literally flooded. When we are flooded there are only three reactions possible to us, fight, flight or surrender. So there is a window of 8 seconds – not very long at all. In order to be able to change the way we react in certain situations within 8 seconds we need to become very skilled in alternative communication. It would have to become automatic and that is only going to happen with constant vigilance and practise. Thinking about the three responses that we have when we are flooded, fight, flight and surrender – what strikes me about them is that they are the same three possibilities open to an army in battle.
Sharon Strand Ellison in her book “Taking the War out of Our Words” reckons that all our communication is from the stance of war. She reckons that we are pretty much permanently on the defensive or on the attack. We are afraid to be vulnerable lest we be perceived as weak and so we set up barriers. We confuse honesty and vulnerability and we think if we are honest especially emotionally, that we will be savaged. Sadly these ways of communicating are not just Western, they are pretty much global. And yet if you examine honest thoughtful communication it has the potential to diffuse conflict and to allow for true human interaction. The irony is that what most of us crave and few of us ever achieve is true communication even with our own children. Of course, to achieve the kind of effective honesty and non-defensive communication that Strand Ellison is talking about takes daily practise. It is not just blurting out whatever comes into your head, it is what the mediators call living in the question but these are questions that are artfully constructed and asked with genuine curiosity. Their honesty is what makes them disarming. The other person senses that the question is genuine and not designed to trap. Too ask a question with true curiosity, you have to truly want to listen to the answer. Few of us can achieve this when we are emotionally invested without a great deal of practise certainly not in 8 seconds.